Wyoming Internship 2009

Thanks for Participating

2009-09-04T07:38:00.003-06:00

The 2009 Summer Internships have come to a close. I want to thank everyone for their participation. We are planning and looking forward to 2010. Once our plans are set for next summer I will post an update here and a link to next years Blog.

Terry Goodwin
Executive Director
Sun Ministries

Long Time Coming

2009-07-30T03:22:00.001-06:00

Hi all,

So yeah... it's been awhile. Man, have things been going on. God has really just been reminding me these last few hours how I have been neglecting to inform my prayer support of the things going on out here... for whatever the reasons may be, I'm sorry. Typically I find that I am very quick to just shrug things that really are important away and not talk about them- I'd gotten better about it but these past few weeks have been just more difficult and I guess I didnt' want to burden you all. God is good and has been moving in these students- all of us. Some are coming to places in their spiritual walk where they can actually be honest before their heavenly Father and know that He loves and cares for them. Others are taking steps of sacrifice to see His will more realized and His name more glorified in their lives. Me? Well, I guess I'm learning the joys and pains of leadership in ways I didn't think I would for quite some time. The enemy has been hard at work to discourage and dismay my heart, and to be honest I have let that happen a few times. My love for this generation is hard to describe, but when it is thrown back in my face and literally cursed and rejected... my heart didn't know what to do. Being totally honest with you all... I wanted to be angry... I wanted to cry... I wanted to hurt and feel regret or pain or sorrow or something, and yet God allowed none of these things in my spirit. My heart was broken. I wonder if I got a taste of what Jesus felt when scripture tells us "He had compassion on them, because He saw that they were like sheep without a shepherd..." I don't know, but that night has stayed with me quite a few days now. Scripture tells us that the world will hate us because it hated our Lord first. Do we truly believe that? I guess I do now... yet scripture also tells us of the joy there is that waits for those who persevere, and yeah, I believe in that too. I covet your prayers... your petitions to our Lord on our behalf... on my behalf. What is He going to do with this generation? I don't know, but I'm all for it and I long for it to be seen soon... we have seen so much in this summer. Heartbreak, compassion, joy, sorrow, love, pain, repentence, redemption, grace, promise, empowerment, hope, faith, belief, FREEDOM... I know that He is just getting started and that we truly have seen only a glimpse of His desires for us, and that is a truly incredible thought.

I've been reading a book called "The Unlikely Disciple: a sinner's semester at america's holiest university," and wow, I don't think I could have asked for anything better when it comes to wondering what the thoughts of my peers are when it comes to faith and Christ. Mr. Roose spent a semester at Liberty University after going to Brown for a few already. He wanted to know if what he had heard about the evangelical culture was true or not- I'm about halfway throught the book and his authenticity in writing has given me such a hope for my people again. There are a million lies being told every second about Christ- and yet there is only one Truth. Mr. Roose wanted to see people's faith in action- do you think he did? When it comes to the truth we believe- are we willing to live it? That's been a challenge for me this summer, God continually asking me, "Are you willing to be 'that guy?'" (the guy that eventually stands out because of behavior and not necessarily because of speech, who becomes known as a follower of Christ because of his walk and not because of the conversations he has had with anyone) That answer has become a hopeful, tearful, "yes." You may do what you like with that small bit of thought vomit... I am so curious to know what Mr. Roose found and how it affected his life. Would my impact on him be any different?

Finally, God really moved my heart earlier this week as I was praying/meditating on what it means to "speak the truth." Scripture tells us to speak the truth always; I've always understood this to mean "speak Christ always." (As Christ is the identity of Truth) Really what God was taking me through is the fact that we cannot compartmentalize Him. He cannot be split up and the properties used individually in any given instance. He is: Love, Hope, Grace, Justice, Mercy, Truth, Holiness, Righteousness, Patience, Pure, Faithful, Light, Life, etc.... I cannot speak just truth if there is no love in it- that would not be of Him.... I cannot speak of Mercy without Justice attached, or Grace without Holiness intertwined. The verse that God moved on me in the midst this lesson is this: "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us..." Jesus embodied all of these 'words,' and if I am called to follow Christ and to "walk as Jesus walked" then my speech... my 'words' cannot be dichotomized and compartmentalized. The Truth (Christ) I speak to any I come accross must be laced with Grace, Justice, Mercy, etc. Not just "TRUTH," are you tracking with me? Maybe I've lost it... maybe I'm just getting at something that is a stepping stone to something more that will really bring some clarity to my question of what it means to "speak the truth?" I don't know. I know that I am grateful for your patience in reading this tedious update. I am thankful for your prayers and I hope that you are all well. I am hopeful for what God is preparing us all for the coming year. I am thankful for His grace and His mercy, by which I can actually walk as a servant of the Truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Who is alive and good to us all. I miss you all and still solicit your prayers, esepecially for the coming days that I will be spending in Colorado. Thank you for how good of friends you all are. Press on.

In Him,
Greg

Kings and Priests: an question of authority

2009-07-22T21:55:00.006-06:00

So... throughout this entire internship has been about leadership development. For some of us, this has looked like bondage being revealed, with the walk through consecration beginning. For others, simply a choice that leads to the beginning of something greater. And others still have found a need to step up and start walking in what they have been shown. Me? My path this summer has been a path of questions that i was never confident enough in Him to wait to be answered. One question, then another, answers breeding questions, always something else i want to know. As much as i am getting the distinct feeling that i ask too many questions, God has been faithful to answer and guide me through this. For a brief recap, God showed me early on that i had a strong pastoral desire to commit to a group and see them through the process of consecration, committing 110% and never backing down from the standard He set for His elect. The road to that revelation was paved with dealing with all the pain i suffered from the hands of my last flock: sheep that headbutt and bite that hands that care for them, and sheepish looking wolves that just bite: period. Ultimately a question of God: Why did You let this happen to me? A question that rarely comes without tears. After this question: How do i walk in this? And He let me step into my brother's consecration for a time, feeling the joy and venom of that process; the bitter and the sweet. But still after all this, which was really good by the way,one more question still stays: what does a Kingly pastor look like? For the readers who may not be familiar with this idea, i'll try to explain it the best i can. In the Kingdom, there are two kinds of annointings for ministry. The annointing of the priest is the annointing to handle the spiritual realities of ministry, while the king is annointed to handle the natural reality of ministry. In our training, as i recall, this concept always boiled down to priests handling the vision of the movement, while kings handle the finances, political/social connections, and political power required to see the vision through. While I always had peace that theese qualities were part of my annointing as a king, i also always had the strongest conviction that there was a deeper spiritual purpose to kings. Over the course of the past few months, the Lord has been revealing bits and pieces to me about what being a king means. The first and most impactful thing He showed me was my place as a defensive/supportive structure in the Kingdom. That came with a desire to encourage, empower, strengthen and counsel the body through attack and consecration, along with, in times of war, one simple command : Hold this line. In all truth, that command baffled me for the longest time. I had seen myself walk in it in spiritual warfare, in a way that im not sure i can convey via blog, but never understood the depth of it. Also, a desire to handle the aforementioned kingly duties for the purpose of keeping the priests' hands from being tied by them. Protecting and enabling always seemed at the heart of all my passions. and once again, God showed me something else about the annointing. I don't know if this is so crucial to all kings, or just to this kingly pastor, but this is it: to protect and uphold the integrity and sanctity of the priests. He showed this to me in the end of John, where the chief priests of the Lord were crying out "We have no king but Cesear!" It made my blood boil. To see the priests abandon the one thing that was their charge, no their birthright, filled me with more indignation than i really knew what to do with, or know how to say. In addition, he showed me a better definition of what the "natural reality of ministry" actually means. Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimethea illustrate this concept in the end of John, actually gathering the materials and tomb for His burial. God hit me that the natural aspects of ministry are just that, the natural aspects. MInistry works in both realms, having its natural and spiritual aspects. Neither is more important than the other, as without the spiritual aspects: spiritual warfare, prayer, seeking the Spirit's will; all natural attempts at ministry will fail. But if there is no natural aspect, if nothing is happening in the natural realm, are we really doing anything. Will widows and orphans be taken care of if we pray and fast but dont actually feed or help them? If we dont actually DO what we've been commanded to do, where are we? this is still something ive been running through and praying over, so i might have made a mistake somewhere along the lines, but God has been faithful thus far in correcting me,and i welcome it.
As to the question of authority, i always remeber hearing about how the movement is to be lead by priestly annointings and prophetic or apostolic gifts (i can never remember which, or if its both). Of course i know that ALL the gifts are necessary, just as both annointings are, but i keep remembering interpreting this presentaion of authority meaning that i would always be at the subservient beckon call of the priestly apostolic prophets. But God showed me a few things about this, on a few levels. On the whole "forced subservient beckon call" thing, which i know is a lie, God showed me that the authority structure of the Body is not one of forced subservience, but willful, humble submission. I dont submit my to the authority of the prohetic apostolic leaders just because they have those gifts, but because , in those giftings, they are equipped in a way that I am not, to see and move in a way i am not, just as i am equipped to see and act in a way that prophets are not. The gifts need each other; the body needs ALL the gifts, and leaders lead together by submitting willingly and joyful to the authorities that God established. and on the question of Kings vs Priests, God showed me a few things. One, that the authority of the Kings is willfully submitted, not circumvented by priests. Looking at David in the OT, throughout his entire recorded time in Scripture, he defends the work of the Lord, in a way, effectively by killing people, or cursing them on at least one occassion, for working against the will of the Lord. The man who killed King Saul was put to death by David for "raising (his) hand against the Lord's annointed" and he also proclaimed a curse on Joab after he enacts vengance on Abner. In these instances, i see an illustration of a King taking action on behalf of the sanctity of the people of God. Also, you cans see in Scripture, how Saul and Solomon both completely abandoned this duty, Saul in killing the priests and Solomon in going after the gods of his wives, and by having those wives in the first place. So Kings defend and uphold the sanctity and integrity of the Kingdon, in some shape or form, and always only in the Spirit, of course. But the truly interesting thing is this: Kings are permitted to take part of Priestly things as they are needed to. This GOd showed me in the illustration of David and his companions take of the bread from the temple, which Jesus Himself said that it was lawful for only the priests to eat of it. In the acutal passage where this happens, the priests permits it only if he and his companions are consecrated. How does this play out? Well, I was wrestling with God about the whole, uphold the integrity of the priesthood, thing, wondering "how do i walk in that, bringing rebuke to leaders without undermining the authority of the priests? What if the integrity of the Priests has become so comprimised that the Kings have to take over?" And He answered in this, Kings are permitted to walk in the Priestly places and partake of priestly things in protecting the integrity of the priests, but only in all humility. Saul tresspassed into the priestly place when the integrity of the priests WAS IN NO WAY COMPRIMISED, leading to his downfall. And Solomon destroyed his own integrity with his wives. And if you really think about it, leading up to the exile, the priesthood only ever had integrity when a righteous king was on the throne.

So, once again, i find a lot on my plate, with no idea how to digest it, waiting to see how to walk in this thing that i have only ever desired and dreamed of at the moment. Of course, i am leaving room for me to have made a mistake, i'm not infallible and this is all quite new to me, only i feel like i've always known this, or that this has always been a part of me or something else that i can't quite put into words. and of course, in general, an inability to form words about something is usually a good thing.

Here's another food for thought for you: How much longer would this post be if i could actually articulate everything i have no idea how to say now?

On Encouragement....

2009-07-13T01:15:00.002-06:00

I believe this week has been the most encouraging week this summer.
Twan and I randomly have therapy sessions that break out as the Spirit leads and one such session occurred. I think that ( and he'll confirm this ) we hit on a root of a lot of my sexual sin which is so encouraging. It feels like something is different now. It seemed that before this past week, I've had a very scared and intimidated spirit. I was going through a lot of uncertainty with a lot of new restrictions put on me and it was and still is hard, however, I feel now I have a greater understanding of declaring Christ's authority in my life and over the my sins and bondages in my life. My spirit isn't as timid as it once was and I find I'm not afraid of the restrictions put in my life, especially as I come to a greater understanding of what they are and how they're meant to help me. I find I'm not afraid to be alone with God any longer. That was something I realized with a big *GASP*. It was a hard pill to swallow to realize I have trust issues in not only the Body surrounding me but in my God and Savior. He and I have been slowly working on that. I had some alone time while praying for a friend and I can remember picturing myself at the feet of Jesus, just sitting there and I remember his hand coming down and touching me on the shoulder and it was amazing. Jesus touched me and I allowed Him. It was beyond anything I can describe.
Also, the other possibly more encouraging aspect of this week was our weekly meeting on Saturday. Our friend Kylee joined us and it was great having her there, being accepted and understanding Christ's love. As I sat back and listened to everyone, I can't remember having a greater joy in my heart this summer for these people. Destructive relationships were broken off, arguments were handled with such a humbleness and grace as I've rarely seen before and Truth was known as unity was formed. The Body is coming together and as Greg said that night, we don't know what's next but we know where we'll be and we're coming together. Jeff, Ray, Greg, Alicia, Drew and David. 5 brothers and 1 sister in Christ being set loose on a college campus. Not 6 individuals, but one Body in Christ, being led by the Holy Spirit. More than a month into this internship and I'm not going to lie, it has been one of the hardest summers and at times, so incredibly discouraging. We're far from perfect, and those imperfections have been painfully obvious at times: things we're unwilling to let go of, blindness we're not aware of, or bondages showing through that have yet to be released and yet despite all of this, God's glory is being known. And that is what I take my joy in, that despite us being incomplete, fallen creatures, God is His greatness and authority and power can use us to make His Glory known.

Supremecy

2009-07-12T19:37:00.002-06:00

So, God's spent the last week teaching me a lesson that i don't know how i lived so long without: the supremecy of Christ's act on the cross. I referenced this lesson in my last post, i think, but it has become more real for me this past week than ever before. The victory over sin HAS BEEN WON at the Cross. For the longest time, i was afraid of my sin, that i would never stop wanting it on some level, that i was always going to succumb to it because i would never let it go. But THAT SIN WAS DEALT WITH AT THE CROSS. I dont know how else to say it. the sentence is so simple, but i dont know how i never understood this. I would always run from temptation, not in the Spirit, but out of fear that i wouldnt, no, was incapable of standing against it. This fear kept me from walking in the truth that Jesus fought this fight for me. He cleansed my sin and my iniuity, my desire to sin. So, all these images from my past that caused me grief, Christ paid for that on the cross. That fleshly desire to engage in any- and everything that offends the Lord, Christ paid for that too. I was so busy defending myself from my sin, that i never allowed myself to truly surrender it to Him. I always had to control myself, control my sin, my emotions, my everything, that nothing could be surrendered or submitted. I was trying to seek the Spirit's will without truly walking in the act that made me one with Him in the first place. So... in short, this week has been one of the most liberating weeks in the world. yo.

on honesty

2009-07-09T12:11:00.000-06:00

What God is teaching me...

I enter the scene, my heart burning with anger. Once again, someone close to me has hidden themselves behind a protective mask, portraying the marks of a spiritual giant (over the less glamorous truth). I didn't ask this of them -- I positively despise it. All the same, this face is for me...it awaits the approval of man.

Wait...behold! One is willing to expose their inner turmoil? He meekly displays his fear, inadequacy, and doubt...his weakness? A strange gravitational pull comes over me; I cannot discount this individual. His pain does not drive me to fury, unlike the masked man. I discover a strange well of compassion from deep within. I uncover the gentle heart of my Lord.

I share my story. I tell of my own condition that placed me face down on the pavement. I reveal a scarred life that is no longer evident. I disclose my account of a grace established.

To know this grace is to be drawn to it like the fiercest magnet. I identify with my own depravity (and my Lord's response). I grieve with it, but I recognize the hope inherent. As much as the masked man is consumed by underlying judgment, the honest man is conflicted with this mysterious ray of possibility: "A holy, righteous God would be drawn to me?"

The masked man turns away in discomfort. His heart unconditionally devoted towards the facade, he cannot accept a grace unknown. He must work harder; his life must be verified. His parents, his girl, his teachers, his employers, and his friends must be aware of the lengths he has taken; sadly, they will never be enough.

In his weakness, the honest man accepts and assumes a Strength. He will also be drawn to others that share his former state. In him (and more significantly, in his Lord), they will find shelter -- a recurrent epic of clemency.

On Lordship and Fear

2009-07-05T22:26:00.004-06:00

So... I took a look at my previous post... and yeah... i MIGHT have been a LITTLE depressed. not because of the tone or mood, but based on how many misspellings were in it. But anyway, God has been faithful to reveal and to walk me through the process of surrendering this whole mess to Him. But up until two nights ago, i was unable to understand what everything i was seeing or hearing meant. All I knew was that the distress in my mind and heart, the panic, was caused by me trying to defend myself. I didn't know why or what i was defending myself from, until our last meeting where Twan brought the Scripture of the rich young ruler. He asked what was needed to walk in the inherit eternal life in the Kingdom. After a small convo about holding to the commandments, Jesus tells him to sell all he has and follow Him. the ruler hung his head, being grieved by the cost of the Kingdom. We always apply this to money, but it is much bigger than that. Lordship: what rules you? What are you unwilling to hand over to Him? What do you feel you shouldn't be required to turn over? What do you hold as yours and yours alone? For me, it was one word: safety. I was consumed with protecting myself. And looking back, i cant even understand how i didn't see it sooner... oh wait, i do... i was in bondage to it and was unable to see it without the Spirit's revelation, that's right. anyway, as a child, safety seemed a luxury i could not afford no matter how much i paid. And this is NOT to insult my parents in any way. I want to make that perfectly clear. But I always found myself at the mercy of those with power, power being social standing, popularity, or even just a knack for cruelty. They were never on my side, and those on my side didn't have the power to ease what i was feeling. And, at this point, i never viewed God as being personally involved or even attempting to help me in my suffering, so i had ruled Him out (i have dealt with this lie since then.) I was plagued by their voices, so i ran. It was all i could do. I ran into my head. It wasn't extreme at first, but as the pain increased, the running became more severe. Not only that, but as new pains came in, new defenses were created.Quotes, lines from movies, and songs and images were all sort of programmed into myself to act as a shield, to occupy my mind and heart until it was safe to come out. When people in themselves became dangerous to me, i created people to be with. When it became unsafe to be in my head, which happened shortly after an incident with my ex girlfriend, something shattered. Emotional expression was stunted and eventually got to a point where i could not express emotion outside of either a song lyric/movie quote or a complete emotional/nervous breakdown. So, if you got lost in the afore listed ramblings, the point is effectively this: when things got 'dangerous' for me, i took it upon myself to defend myself by running, primarily into my imagination.

How does this tie into my last post? Well, I was freed from the occult, from witchcraft and demonology in so many forms. But no matter how far i came, i was always afraid of falling back into that. When i saw the symbols, heard the words (many of these words and images were part of my defense mechanisms), i would freak and be like, "someone save me! I am losing my freedom and my mind!" that sounds dramatic but i don't know how else to write it down for you. In addition, when things at work 'hindered' whatever safety i thought i had, my defenses would kick in, and i would freak out again. Of course, since when i freak out, my defenses kick in, which involve the very things that were causing me to freak out, my head was surrounded with so much noise that kept getting louder, like a feedback loop, until all i could do was fill my head with some kind of static to drown out the noise, which was a pain i did not know how to describe.

So the past few days have involved God revealing this to me, and Him taking me through the things i defend myself against and teaching me how to trust in Him. This trust has to be built on one solid truth that i can't believe I have not been walking in consistently: that ALL authority has been handed to Jesus Christ. I have been so obsessed with seeking the Spirit's voice and with God's Sovereignty, that i was completely ignoring that He is the one who paid the price for my sins, HE is the one that has brought me safe thus far, and HE is the one who died to bear ALL my sin AND pain... so why on earth do i feel the need to defend myself, when He DESIRES to be my shield, tower and fortress. So...dismantling an entire defense system doesn't happen overnight... but to have a bold confidence in my Sovereign Saviour that looks like foolish recklessness to fleshly eyes is where i want to go and be. I don't really know what else to say...so i guess I'll leave it at that.

As the days go by...

2009-07-05T16:19:00.002-06:00

This has been one of the hardest/most challenging summers I've ever experienced.
God is taking me through a season of my life where He is quite literally purging me of a lot of crap that's been in my life for a long time and guiding me to explore my past and understand certain things that have happened in my past and how they affect me, and my viewpoint of who I am and who He is.
Most days I quite literally want to just go home and give up but I know that won't do anything.
The people out here ( the other interns) have been so supportive and helpful. God is doing His own work in each one of them and it's encouraging to see their journeys as well. It's been hard to come together with everyone here in terms of a Body but God is faithful and I have hope for the rest of the summer and what's to come afterwards. :)

I'm sick currently. It hit Drew first, then attacked Twan and now I have it. Funny how those things work and how we're convinced we have an immune system of iron. And no, we don't think it's the Swine Flu for all you out there wondering. Just the normal flu. :)

Some prayer concerns for those of you prayer warriors: first and foremost that I would continue to learn and walk in the Spirit and come to a fuller realization of who the Spirit is and how He wants to work in my life.
Secondly, I checked my Bethel financial account and currently there are no scholarships applied to my account. Yikes. And as a result, I haven't been able to apply for any student loans. Pray this would be resolved quickly and efficiently.

Praises: It can be the simplest things in the world that can brighten up someones day. Praise God I've been able to exhort in a very natural way to some of the other interns. Seeing them smiles, despite very discouraging days is a very fulfilling thing.
And this may seem shallow, but I've been needing a new pair of shoes ( bringing the grand total of the pair shoes I own to 2) and I found a thrift store where I got a pair of shoes for $1.50. It was a small thing but was very good. Also, I was able to pick up a library card in Jackson and I've been able to do some light reading. I also found a ceramic studio downtown that I can use for a fee, but I haven't determined if this is something I want to pursue. I also shipped my longboard to a friend. Basically, to use it anywhere else than the southern most part of the park ( and I'm on the northern most part ) is breaking the law and it's been too great of a temptation for me, so I sent it to a friend who will use it more than I will this summer.

As I've said before, this summer has been extremely hard for me. I'm waking up every morning dry and desperate for him. Each day, I pray as I'm in the shower to be continually covered in the blood of the Lamb. Each day, I am continually encouraged by His presence, in whatever form that takes. He has been faithful in showing me my past, particularly past relationships and the patterns in each one. At first, I honestly thought it was an attack from the enemy ( go figure, God wants to show me something and I run and hide...) but as the week drew on, it became apparent it was God. I've been learning not to expose my heart to every single person I meet. Vulnerability can be good, but not every second of the day to every single person. I've been learning to foster and deepen the relationships I have that God has been using to pour into me and allowing me to pour into. And each day has brought new challenges, smiles and tears, to my plate.
Phillipians 3:8 has quite literally become my mantra of sorts for this summer: What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

The Next Step

2009-07-01T00:11:00.003-06:00

So, an uncomfortable revelation. The kind where you realize that something that you always thought was true is actually a lie, and at once you find yourself faced with the dichotomy: the joy of what the real truth means for you, and the hard part of recognizing that you have no idea what the road ahead looks like. As everyone who is reading this blog most likely knows, one of the biggest strongholds that Jesus freed me from is that of the occult. Aside from being a practicing witch, which i could have easily passed for to most, I was completely engrossed in that world, in every aspect of it. The details aren't important at the moment, but coming through this into freedom, I have seen the amount of pain i was in, and just how little control i had over myself then. I had my demons, quite literally, and up to the beginning of my consecration, i was hearing voices that i couldn't control, entertaining multiple demonic imaginary friends and fighting all the noise in my head. And during this process of laying my life down, God showed me a freedom from this that i never knew existed. I didn't have to listen to the voices, i could refuse the spells and i could stand in victory with Christ over my demon, which Christ freed me from.

I don't quite know how to say this next part, but having come out of that darkness, in some way i always feared falling under it again. I had been its slave, its tool, its whore and i had determined, not in spirit but in soul and flesh that i would never go back. So, i started running. In a way i did not even recognize, i started to run. I found everything that had any possible resemblance to what i had left behind, regardless of the Spirit's prompting. I was determined to never go back. So when ever war became intense, all the enemy had to do was taunt and threaten with a word and promise of reclaiming me, and i would run: away, far away, to someone else, into myself, anywhere to just get away from the darkness and its hungry grin. I became, in a different way, a slave to the voices in my head again. But instead of entertaining and fellowshiping with them, there were chains of fear. The enemy would whisper and i would panic. All i could do is panic.

But NO sin is too great for Christ's work on the cross. and in that Work i want to walk and rest. So i am at the next step. And i am terrified, i have no illusions of that right now. As i turn to walk in this direction, the screaming in my head gets louder and more frantic, which means i must be headed in the right way. I won't lie, I'm frightened. But I've been frightened before, and each time when i lay this fear down and trust Him, He takes me through a painful and glorious fire. I am on my way, and i am not alone. Before i left home, my friend asked me how she could pray for me, and i felt compelled to respond "that fear would not overtake me", and now i understand why. I will see you all on the other side of this.

And no, mom, i am NOT depressed.

Where I Am

2009-06-25T22:38:00.003-06:00

Standing where the road ends,
where it begins,
where the path's boundries fade into the blackness
that swirls before you.

Knowing that the road is yours to walk,
paved by Him who came before,
paved with Blood and Fire,
but waiting for Light
to show the way.

Just a few inches,
to move forward
but keep to the path.
You don't want to stray.

The path, the step,
is yours to take,
but you're waiting
for something you don't know.

Someone else to make a move?
The perfect timing?
Or just for things to get
just a little better,
just a little worse?

You don't know,
but you wait,
knowing that you
have no clue what you're waiting for,
and hoping that 's what He wants.

2009-06-22T23:01:00.002-06:00

At the begging of the life of this blog you could not post comments... we have fixed this!

If you feel like commenting on a previous post you are more then welcome to...really most of us would like it...so please do!

In Christ Alone
~AEG~

On Something New

2009-06-22T21:07:00.003-06:00

Well, this is truly new. My last posts have all been about revelation: a revelation of death and destruction around me, a revelation of my spiritual desires and passions, even glimpses of my future ministry, but only glimspes. But this is really new. It is no longer enough that I want to see something happen, I NEED it to happen. It is no longer simply a passion to see the body function as the Bride, it PAINS me to not see it. To be able to see the qualities of a body that have yet to truly come together. To see a grorp coming together to function as a group, not a body. It's the difference between a group of individuals with teamwork, and one being with one mind, heart and spirit. Things need to happen, and the way this war will be fought here is still unrevealed to me, the specifics that is, but i know that it must be done as a whole, and without that unity it will fail. But at the same time, in order for this truth and desire to be realized, EVERYONE needs to come together. I can't do this alone, only give the calling for it ande be obedient to what God would have of me, even if that is silence and work behind the scenes. I dont really understand what im feeling, but to want to see something so badly, and to know that its not just that i want it, but that i was MADE to want it and crafted to lead others into it, and having no idea how to do it. Every glance at the ones i love shows me something that i don't want to see, but it would be too easy to shut the truth out and become a mindless sycophant of whatever leader i think i could trust. I can't close my eyes and go back to sleep, hoping to find solace in dreams. Is this the burden of leadership: to know where you should go, and see where that movement is or may not be happening and not having an idea how to move it? or if anyone will follow if you go? Is the thing you want to see more than anything in the world always a blessing and a curse? the first because it is a revelation of His will and the latter because that revelation always seems to come with pain? For many if not all of these questions i have no answers; this ground is truly foriegn, unexplored, to me. I don't know where to go, save for the base of the Throne, which is the only place i truly need. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, that is what He has said to me, and that is all i have for this. Walking where i have feared to tread before; I dont know where all this is going.

On Consecration

2009-06-22T19:08:00.002-06:00

It's hard and it hurts.
There's no point in beating around the bush on this one. This is an internship blog and there is need to be updated on the internship. Basically there was/is still secret sexual sin in my life, the classic two that seemingly almost every christian guy struggles with: porn and masturbation. Heavy huh? And on top of that, I didn't even come forward with it, I was caught. Ouch, but so so so needed. I remember praying to God that getting caught was the only way it would be found out. And He answered as usual :)
The reason I'm recounting this is because it is what God is currently doing in my life. Like it or not, I am in a season of healing and I have tried many many time to hurry and speed along the process and it just makes things worse. This is not the thing to be hurried and rushed through. Cutting off tree branches will not kill the tree. You must go for the roots.
And there are consequences. This next part may seem a bit...extreme...and I agree. But it needs to be done. One bondage identified with me and confirmed by the Body is still manipulation. I have done this all my life and I thought that at some point I had somehow "beaten" it. Turns out, I just cut off a branch. So, now it manifests itself in a whole new and ugly way. I won't go into all the details because they need not be told. However, because of the way it manifests itself, I have to limit my social interaction with the lost out here. Seems kind of contradictory to a Christians life, however, it needs to happen. I once heard a friend say "I would give up my own salvation, my own relationship with Christ , to see others come to know Him." I don't support this because you can't take people where you have not been or are not currently. It's the same thing as saying "I would give up all my skills as a carpenter in order to train everyone else." You simply can't teach what you don't know. I have not yet experienced true Freedom in Christ, and therefore cannot show that to the people out here. Also, the way my bondage manifests itself, I can only be around people who know about my bondage and understand it ( The Body ). Like I said, this seems a bit extreme, but it needs to happen. There is no price too high to pay for Freedom in Christ.
Phillipians 3: 7-14

⁷But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. ¹⁰I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

YES.

Re: Today

2009-06-21T15:28:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I want to give up. Period. Like today... there's just this funk about it. The kind of funk that comes from reading ill-casted facebook notes and hearing vomitous words spoken from hardly honest traditions held. These days make me want to go back to a place called "easy." Where all I have to do is sit in a room with a semi-circular table and wait for open minds to come through the door. Where I simply have to choose three or four logically associated lyrically appropriate tunes to string together and inspire willingly led people into emotional highs. Where language arts, background education, and rhetorical skills were afforded more authority than the Holy Spirit's anointing, prophetic spew, or a burdened heart. This day seems more likely to crush me beneath the weight of unwilling hearers and steadfast tradition holders than anything else. Some days it would just be easier to go back to the place of frustration at things that felt less than eternal and were therefore easier to get through. Where a shower and a guitar session did ease the heaviness of my spirit at the disobedience of my friends. Where pursuing an uncommon relationship was the goal rather than the pursuit of a holy one. Those were the days.

Were these days counted? Yes. Was this cost laid on the table and deemed worth every tear? Yes. Was there a moment when I knew I couldn't go back? Yes. Was there a time when I realized that my education was probably all for not? Yes. Was there at any time the option afforded to simply stay and enjoy the temporal happiness of fluid and shallow relationships spend over profane and even evil entertainment? Yes.

So what now? What was that cost counted for? Where is the joyful fruit of nearly two years on the naughty list of people I love and respect? Where is the return of the risky and almost desperate investment in real freedom and empowered speech? Where is the exchange on education for anointing and information for heart cutting truth? Where is the fruit grown from the rain of tears I have let go over lives I couldn't bear watching run down the same path of which I saw death standing at the end?

Where is it?

Oh, it's around. :D

M.M
J.H.
A.B.
D.P.
R.O.
.............................................................

If I Stand
Rich Mullins

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

And if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

www.kidbrothers.net

on the burden of leadership

2009-06-19T23:46:00.004-06:00

Some days it would be easier to follow...

It would be easier to look to another to make my decisions -- to be responsible for my mishaps. If someone else could intervene between myself and God, while I trusted in the discernment and wisdom of that individual, it would certainly reduce the burden of my calling. Like the nation of Israel, I could ask for a king...he could determine the Lord's will for our lives.

What is easy is rarely indicative of what is best. God has entrusted me with a ministry beyond what my flesh can handle; my spirit, in turn, denies itself the right to compromise. This becomes a conversation between an Almighty God and mortal man. He chooses to reveal to me His Word, and I am responsible for its delivery. It (seemingly myself) is subject to the criticism or praise of those who comfortably follow, but its righteousness is not determined by their response. Herein lies the difficulty: can I truly trust this discernment, even when my words are despised? When the enemy's lies offer a way out from such disapproval, can I remain steadfast to the promptings and voice of a God unseen?

My spirit acknowledges that I have little choice; my anointing requires my obedience to be of any use. I am not granted the benefit of experiential empathy from my followers, for they maintain the luxury of option. Like Moses returning from the mountain, my zealous pursuit of His truth can be dismissed as a supernatural phenomenon -- something beyond their grasp. I long to show them its source, but this forces them to an unapproachable decision: to choose holiness over the approval of man.

Though a leader's followers may be many, inevitably this problem of choice will drive the leader to the investment of a few. Yes, Christ spoke to the crowds, but his joy was found in those willing to listen and submit to his lead:

I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:25-30

This is the solace, the "experiential empathy" that I have been granted. Christ has set the standard on how to lead his people; while spiritual leaders will bear similar scars, we will also find comfort in our obedient submission to him that understands our burden; in him we will find rest.

At the Hands of Our Potter

2009-06-19T00:52:00.002-06:00

But now, O Lord, You are our Father,
We are the clay, and you are our potter;
And all of us are the work of Your hands.

ISAIAH 64: 8

This must be my prayer this summer!

To give up is to gain! when I say give up I don't mean giving up on everything God has shown us. I mean giving up everything the world has taught us! if we hold on to these things thinking "we can do this on our own" what use is the body of Christ then? to lay your troubles down at the feet of our Father and to reveal it to our body of believers is the starting point of something great! There is a line in a song that hits me every time I hear it; "I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise." in coming to my body and showing them what I was/am struggling with, is the only way I have truly found how to let God rip off my disguise. Satan works in the secret. if we keep our trials and troubles in the dark Satan can keep deceiving us and building that disguise deeper and deeper.

the title of this song is " Who Needs Air?" this is a great question...who needs what we have always known if the only think we really need is what God can reveal to us? So if we don't need it then why do we still have it? we must come to the realization of; "I’m drowning, but I don’t care, Because when you’ve got what I got, Who needs air?" because what I have got is a God who is so real that when I come to Him or my body with those things and truly want them gone He honors that and frees me from those things. As I read the lyrics to this song I find a line I had never heard before "give up the air that you breathe. You don’t need anything." So give it up...give up the air(what we once knew) and let your self drown in the water that is the Spirit.

back to the verse that I posted at the top! in letting our self stop breathing we are able to sit on that potters wheel still and silent waiting for God to shape us into what He wants. so sit breathless.

Interesting days

2009-06-17T21:42:00.002-06:00

So, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. It's not that I've been too busy or haven't had something to write about, it just hasn't happened.
I had an interesting talk with Twan and Greg at lunch one day. It was a hard pill to swallow. You think you can take constructive criticism and then two prophets come along and you suddenly realize you haven't really experienced constructive criticism until now. All of this, this whole internship, this whole "way" of doing ministry, being led by the Spirit...daily...is so foreign to me. Sometimes, I just want to stop, and take a sabbath. But then I ask myself have I really done any work and I honestly don't know. Well, work in a Kingdom sense. I do have a job out here, working 40ish hours a week, give or take depending on the week. And it seems that's the problem. I don't know what I'm doing, I barely have an idea of my role. I feel like I'm playing football and just have no idea what the game is or where I belong. So I find myself attmpting to be the quarterback and failing or the running back and failing too. I think you understand where I'm going with this. And it's not that I'll never know these things, but currently I don't which makes life and functioning very difficult when I literally don't know what to do other than pray almost constantly that God would show me what He wants of me. And I'm such an outgoing guy that I want to meet these people I'm surrounded by, I want to know them and comfort them and speak into their lives and I know no other way than by getting to know them, which is almost exactly opposite from what most of the other people in the internship are doing. It bugs and frustrates me so much to see Twan and Greg just literally stand back and almost seemingly do nothing. But it only looks like nothing to me because I'm not looking with the right eyes. I don't understand their prayer, I don't understand or see the battlefield around me. And with no understanding or sight comes no action on my part. And then because of this blindess and lack of understanding on my part, what actual good can come from me meeting these people and getting to know them besides meeting a basic desire to know and be known. These have been my frustrations of late.

War Zone...

2009-06-17T00:28:00.002-06:00

The war is full force here in Wyoming. I have had the past 2 days off, and God gave me a break from Colter bay and allowed me to go into town. I find it sad that we have to go into town to get a break from this spiritual war. as I drove away from Colter I felt the weight of this place lift from me. It is rare to come into the rec hall after 11:00 and not see someone drunk or headed that way, this is new to me...God is teaching me how to deal with this behavior. Life here is very different here to what it is back home. I am gaining a burden for the lost in addition to my own people who are here with me. be praying that God works in all of our lives to move us to be the men and women that God wants/created us to be.God is revealing so much to me... just about the past and present. It is amazing to see God move in the people around me!

Trying to Understand

2009-06-15T15:52:00.003-06:00

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? For some reason, these come to the surface more than anything else lately. I don't quite know to make of everything, but things seem to be getting clearer every day. I see death and pain, become aware of the tools and minions of the enemy. For some reason, possibly because i asked for it, I see more, but seeing and knowing only breed questions. And questions never bring me peace. I haven't quite gotten to the place of enjoying waiting for answers, or even seeking the answer from Him Who Knows All first and foremost. In all truth, i find myself understanding a great deal more than i typically do. I'm hearing Him more clearly than before, and even understand some of what He's telling me to do. This is awesome, but for some reason, no amount of understanding pleases the soulish man, who lives solely in mental and emotional understanding. But that's been the biggest part of this work He's been doing, isn't it? Strengthening the inner man He created while smothering the outer man of the world? That's never a delightful process, but still, why does it always seem to be as difficult as when it first started? Of course, coming through the other side never gets less amazing, does it? So, I'm just at this place of...sorta unrest. Thinking becomes burdensome at moments, and not at others. It's all kinda weird. I think that's all for now.

Heartache

2009-06-12T03:14:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

It's about 3:00am where I currently am, and I have had an enduring pain in my soul for several days now. I truly wish I knew how to be rid of it, but clearly such relief is not meant for the present moment. I do not know what is next in my life right now... I suppose that is in itself a very good thing. Work in the mountains never gets old (though this heartache does), and I continue to experience a new brokenness for/in my generation nearly every day. I wonder anymore if this pain is nothing more than a distraction... something to keep me chasing my own hopes and whispered prayers into darker and darker, more secret corners of my life instead of simply spewing them into the air and being rid of the heaviness so often befalling my heart. Somehow my voice is bound and unable to share these things with those around me... I am free with only a few people and there have found no resolution.

I don't know what to do. In all honesty the one thing that comes to mind is weep, and as experience has proven before, that doesn't help. I work among people who not only reject the spiritual nature of their lives, but thwart it, starve it, kill it. They drown the cry of their existence in soulish desires and fruitless experiences. All I really want is some honesty right now I think. I'd like to have an honest and genuine conversation with someone about life in general, but alas, most often what comes from the mouths of those around me are lies bathed in alcohol and caressing flatteries laced with self-interest. Those that I love the most seem afraid to share what they are truly going through, as if vulnerability is something I do not respect and protection is not my most natural and fiercest passion. I truly crave honesty more than anything else right now. Other than that (Perhaps even because of that), I am exhausted. My heart is nearly dehydrated it has wept so often in the last week. My mind feels flat for trying in vain to figure out how such lifestyles as I see are appealing or desired at all. My body wonders when it'll enjoy a normal sleep cycle for just one week's time. My spirit sees the many needs and calls in earnest for authentic and holy help, only to see the enemy sweep in and provide a distorted and shallow solution to eternal problems. All that to say, I ache, and I don't know the nature of the sharpest, deepest tear in my heart, which is perhaps more frustrating than it anything else.

-Greg

By God's Grace.

2009-06-11T10:48:00.000-06:00

Goodness. My first post. Where to start...

This past december, God definitely dropped this opportunity to learn more about Him on my lap. From about Februrary to just a couple weeks ago, I became discouraged by plenty of things (mostly being financial reasons) and wondered if He was really the one behind it. One night while talking to a few friends in the room, I finally felt affirmed that God put me here. I also feel that he was testing me to see if i wouldn't back out like i wanted to so badly, but by His grace, i am at peace, and things are working out. Thank you and praise God for all who prayed and are still praying for me.

It's been an interesting few weeks for me here, still dealing with the job schedule being changed every now and then, finally getting longer shifts, meeting plenty of new people and hearing bits and pieces about their lives, learning more about God and listening to Him and learning to discern His spirit, learning what it means to work in the body, and so much more. Getting to know God more and learning more about my identity in Him makes it easier all the time for me to refuse past habits and what distorts and distracts from Him. It's a process for sure, and it definitely takes submission without expectation, and complete faith and trust that He will provide and He will lead and guide you. God has been blessing me so much through love and care from the body, wrestling with what i've been taught to believe versus what the Holy Spirit wants me to know and learn, and overcoming it all by God's unfailing love and grace. I've been witnessing so much of His beautiful creation here on the earth, but i've also been witnessing His creation on a spiritual level, and it's good. He's teaching me so much, and it's been awesome to digest and test it in my own life, and i know there is so much more. Thank you again for your prayers and i love you all.

-Ray

Passion revealed

2009-06-09T22:53:00.003-06:00

Sunday night God told me to fast... that night we talked about passions and there were a few pointed out but I still did not know mine...I have been seeking this for the past 3 years. So I had a prayer target... I began to pray and ask God what my passion is, and as I was cleaning the meat slicer Monday afternoon at work God told me it! I am excited to see how God will work in this:

To Protect the Protectors.

Every leader has a sense of being a protector of whom they are leading, but when they are out protecting those who need protecting who protects them?
God has given me a Gift mix to be able and willing and excited to sit with those leaders and protect them in the spiritual realm. God has given me confirmation in different situations this past week.

After he showed me this he told me to go on my longest fast ever.

Pray for me as I walk in this passion God has given me.

VIsion, Passion, and Pain

2009-06-09T22:17:00.004-06:00

Recent revelation. A few days ago, God uncorked a huge bottle of pain. The day started with a dream that disturbed me more than most dreams i have. I was in this metal room, and across from me was this tall, thin man with a pale face, sunken eyes and wild black hair. He looked a lot like Edward Scissorhands only no scissors. Between us was a girl in a giant pool, drowning. I was going to jump in and save her, and i looked into his eyes and saw pure hatred, not for me or for the girl, but for the truth that i was able, willing and determined to do what he desired to do, but couldn't. That woke me up with a strain of music from a rather satanic musical (Carrie:the musical, go figure) playing in my head. The line goes something like this:

...He'd swear he cared so much
That's what the boys do.
They make promises
Then they'll break your heart.
Then they'll laugh at you
Watching you fall apart.
Don't you think that I know
Don't you think this has happened before.

At first, i thought this was all attack and tried to put it out of my mind, but after about 9 hours of work with an extra 45 minutes waiting for a Bison Burger, God showed me that He was showing me the song to get me to deal with something. Something that is not a very large secret is that I have had a lot of abusive friendships. My first group of 'friends' were quite physically, verbally, emotionally, and even sexually abusive. My next group were not quite so blatant. I was never directly harmed, but i was used. These were my friends in Campus Crusade for Christ. I was there for everything for them, and i was consistently feeding their desires. Those relationships were at best parasitic.
On the way home though, God bust open the vein of tears with this: I gave them EVERYTHING. Every friend i every had, from the worst abuser, to the knowing and unknowing parasites. I was there 110%. They were my life. I did EVERYTHING for them. I gave them my ALL. There was NOTHING I wouldn't have done for them. I devoted my ALL towards what i thought was best for them. I loved them. Regardless of what happened. And when God began showing me freedom and the power of the Holy Spirit, I wanted that for them. As much as i confess that i wanted my friends to come with me so I wouldn't be without them, I still wanted them to experience what God had shown me. And what happened? When i presented His truth to them (my friends from Crusade), the ones that i devoted ALL my LIFE and ENERGY into teaching truth, easing pain, helping along the way, providing wisdom as I could and correction where needed, the left. I became the heretic. I became the loony in a cult who was only one ceremony away from getting my Snuggie. I gave them all I ever had, I only wanted them to see what He had shown me, to find the joy, the peace, the love that NONE of them know, and i guarantee you they STILL don't know it. They hate me now. They would never declare that, but that is the case. And i never dealt with the anger of being hated by the ones that i love most of all. But in this, God revealed to me a great Passion in my heart, and the Vision it was given there for.
I have a deep seated burden in my heart to commit myself to people 110%. To always be there when they are in need, to provide whatever is in God's permission to do for them. To guide, instruct, bear the burdens, share the tears, help them to stand when their world is falling down around them. There aren't really words strong enough to describe this. They only phrase that rings true to it is that I am a shepherd without a flock, desperately wanting to commit myself to the sheep in my care. But that's not all. He's also given me a desire to see the Bride walk into the holiness and power of the Holy Spirit, free from their bondage, shining as the Virgin Bride of Zion was meant to. Any other words also fail this. But this much God has shown me: that the Vision He's given me, the consecration of the Bride, for lack of better terms, is going to REQUIRE the 110% commitment that I so desperately wish to invest. God is preparing me to gather my flock, lead them through consecration into walking in the Spirit, where the Bride is dressed in His righteousness alone. But this poses my next prayer target. God has shown me that a great deal of the pain that i thought i suffered FROM the Body, was the product of me desiring to invest pastorally into people who aren't made for that commitment. In other words, I've spent my whole life looking for my sheep. My first sheep were all wolves, and in the Body I've been expecting sheep that aren't in my flock to look to me as a shepherd, and wondering why its not happening. So the question is, if that 110% commitment is meant for my flock (and my wife, i thought i should throw that in), what do friendships outside of my flock look like? How do those relationships work? Where do i go from here? Of course the only answer to that can be to the foot of the Throne, seeking Him in this, but its where I'm going next. And its only, what? the Second week?

I see dead people.

2009-06-09T22:06:00.005-06:00

I hope M. Night Shymalan doesnt sue me for the reference, but its true. I am seeing dead people everywhere. After twenty one years of hearing and knowing that Christ is the ONLY Life and that without Him there is only death, i finally see it. When i walk to work, my co-workers and the guests on vacation: all walking talking corpses. Some of them only care about entering their tomb so comfortably drunk that they wont feel the earth closing in. Others are walking into the grave with their only comfort being that they have designer entombment cloths. Others still dont care if they die, as long as they dont die alone. And then there are the children. Lord help me when i see the corpses of children walking beside me. That one i have no idea how to handle. I see dead people. All around me. But the wierd thing is, they know they're dead. I was always taught that people don't come to Jesus because they don't know they need Him, that they need Life. But the truth is, they know they're dead. Many of them know how hopeless they are. Otherwise they wouldnt be fighting so hard to grab what they can before Sheol takes them. What they don't know is that anything like True Life actually exists, or they dont want to pay the price for life. I walk among corpses, and my spirit has founf grief that was never there before, and that there seems to be no way to ease. I can't shut them out, even if i try. And believe me, God isnt letting me do that. Dead people, everywhere. Dead elders, dead teens, dead children. I can't seem to get over the child corpses. I don't know what else to say. I am walking on a sea of death, and i finally see it.

on a gag order

2009-06-09T10:24:00.003-06:00

This was supposed to be a stretching summer for the interns, right?

In the midst of one of the greatest spiritual battles I have witnessed, God has placed a gag order on me. All I see are needs and bondage; I have words of truth and life, and God has placed me on the sidelines, as if to say, "You already know these things."

However, the interns have not shared the same experiences. We are exploring the functionality of the Body of Christ, and God is teaching me the difficulty of being "an eye," a part dependent on the hands and feet to drag it along.

For the first time, many of the interns are discovering that their gifts and skills are inadequate in themselves when walking in the Spirit. One can raise up conversation with the lost, but lacks the anointing to cast vision. Another is empowered to care for their physical needs, but lacks the discernment of knowing whether or not they should be met.

So I wait. I wait for their frustration and inevitably the end of themselves. I'm not a fan of waiting when I know what God has shown me. But I know that I must. Beyond my simple act of obedience is the work that God is doing in our interns. They are all aware that my gag order ceases when they are willing to introduce, "This is Anthony; he can help explain this to you."

In the meantime, my flesh screams to be heard. It is not pride but inactivity that makes it squirm. But this too must die.

Whew... 17 days in.

2009-06-07T01:36:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,

I really don’t know where to begin this. It’s about 1:00am here (meaning 3:00am for most of you) and I’m definitely quite awake. Working the overnight shift affects quite a few daily habits and seemingly natural actions, haha. God has been gracious the past week, and I thank you for your continuing prayers. As a team out here, we are in no comfortable place of rest. Our intentionality for spiritual warfare is daily and constant. There have been numerous persecutions of our people’s faith by co-workers. It’s not anything I’m used to at all. In all things, God is good, and He has daily brought me into His presence and several times allowed the briefest glimpse of wonder at His glory. He knows what He is doing and every single person here is His son or daughter. Pray for them.

Our extended training sessions have gone fairly well since we left Missouri. Though our schedules have not always been the most workable with each other, God has provided and the Holy Spirit is moving among us and teaching us as we need to learn. We are still learning the nature of a unified body and what it means to minister with each other. The enemy is also hard at work here. Even in the last minute of writing these paragraphs, a co-oworker of mine approached my table and questioned my integrity in the presence of all the employees in the recreation hall. The Lord Himself is my defense, even though right now after such a interaction my hands are trembling and my heart is racing. Pray against the enemy, this will not be the last of such accusations. The nature of my heart and passion for this generation rests in the purity of my love for them. If the enemy can mar that or bring a notion of insincerity to it, then He may as well have taped my mouth shut. My peers and people here watch, and they watch with the presumption that there must be a catch. Pray for my protection and wisdom in every situation. I know He will provide.

My hands have stopped shaking now *exhale,* and I guess in light of this most recent experience all I can do is ask that you continue to pray as the Lord lays us on your heart and with the specificity that He allows you to perceive. I love and miss you all.

Humbly,
Greg

portraits in skies

2009-06-04T19:14:00.002-06:00

yesterday night's shift and into this morning i saw a full moon shine so bright i could point to a place on the lake where it touched. the mountains were silhouetted by the dim light and the clouds skirted around them....the quietness was eerie but in a good way. eventually the clouds covered the moon and everything went pitch black again leaving me to just drive around in blah....but about 5 hours later i saw another incredible light. the sunrise came up with colors of blue, orange, pink and red, making the snow look like some kind of ice cream, i drove over to the marina for a better view and i saw a rainbow crowing the range. ridiculously gorgeous, all i could express were words of praise. God's amazing creativity is so unimaginable, once in a while he gives us a glimpse. are you taking the time to notice it?

-Drew

Stepping into the World

2009-06-03T20:34:00.002-06:00

I don't really know how i never noticed this, but I guess when the first 19 years of your life was devoted to creating an imaginary world so you wouldn't have to deal with the pain that you see in every corner, you tend to miss a few details about the world around you. I never realized how many of the values God has put into the core of my being that i had taken for granted. Even at home, in St. Charles with its predominantly catholic influence, there was at least an illusion of morality. Like "i know I'm not supposed to act this way, but i do and i have some cockamamie excuse for why its OK." But here, people don't even care. The things i find crude, rude or socially unacceptable or even vile are just normal. run of the mill. alright. normal. it's like Romans 1 where Paul says that not only are the people immoral, but they approve of and reward their immorality. I am really out of my element. Dealing with the non-Christianized is actually kind of refreshing actually. It may be immoral, but there is something rather genuine about it. It may be many things, but it is not pretentious. i don't really know how else to describe it. So its kind of a culture shock. But unless my ministry is going to be predominantly to saved, churched people, it's a necessary shock. and I HOPE my ministry is not solely to saved churched people. oy

Post #2

2009-06-01T14:38:00.002-06:00

A recent realization has brought me a fairly decent amount of upset lately. My mind and heart are typically every place EXCEPT here and now. I don't really know why, but in every quiet time, I find my prayers revolving around people and things going at in Missouri; I find my thoughts and planning rotating around things I have to do or make sure I'm able to do when I get home. I realize now that this is really common with me. I never really stop and think about what is happening or what God is doing right HERE, right NOW. How much have I missed over the years by pondering, dreaming of, or worrying about 2 hours from now, next month, next year? In my quiet time today, I placed it ALL on the altar, and am making a point to keep it there everyday, even if that means putting stuff back every morning after taking it off the night before. Now the Scripture in Matthew makes a bit more sense when Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow, it will worry about it self and each day has enough trouble of its own. I might not be thinking of trouble at the moment, but I KNOW God is doing something right now with me, and I'll be a monkey's uncle (no offense Amy) if I miss what He is doing thinking of how what He's doing is going to change life at home. That's all for now, I suppose. Keep me in prayer.

on taking it for granted

2009-06-01T13:31:00.003-06:00

Foreword on the last post: Zach, the whole Folger's mountain thing -- those of us in the coffee business could make that analogy preach :)

I've been reading in Jeremiah lately...shocker, huh? Anyway, the opening portions consist of a great deal of dialogue -- a ping-pong match between Jeremiah and God, describing how everything in Judah went wrong. Sure, the sin was idolatry, but at the heart of every separation of man and God was forgetting. God's people had forgotten that He had brought them out of Egypt; they forgot that He had called them to holiness; they forgot that He could not stand for injustice; they forgot that He alone is God.

After ten full days at the base of the Teton's, I already am prone to forget that I am staring at the majesty of God. Just ten days ago, I stared at a snow-capped mountain for the first time -- I understood fully my own limitations. Now I see the mountains every day, and I can't help but respond accordingly, is if it has always been "this way."

To forget the moment of redemption and transformation is to lose one's testimony. It is to build up a pride that relies on our own facilities and forget that we haven't always "known" these mountains. The truth is, I still haven't came close to climbing any of them...there is a depth and mystery of God that I will forcefully pursuing until the day I leave this earth; He alone will deem me worthy of the peak.

Five of us went kayaking today and I enjoyed floating on the water. I was at peace relying on the physical laws that God created to keep me afloat. Those (along with the spiritual ones) have not failed me yet.

Getting into the groove...

2009-05-31T08:45:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm finally starting to get some sort of a schedule under my belt. It's still very weird being here, and seeing the massive mountains loom in the distance, constantly reminding me how incredibly small I really am. It's actually a good feeling. God's been doing some interesting things with me lately. I've noticed my boldness is gone. For those of you who know me fairly well, you know I have no problem meeting people. Here, however, it seems my boldness has left me. I have an overall sense of timidity of me. I think God had done this because I'm not quite ready to meet people and to spread the vision yet. I've met some people and it's been good to sit down with them and talk, however this is a totally different environment than Bethel. No longer does everyone have God in common, which is such a frustrating thing. So, now, I either try and find things in common and work in my flesh, or let the Spirit lead and do things the right way. I'll take the latter. He's allowed me to play volleyball and some pool and through those, I've met some people, though it seems it's a slow process. Through my work, I honestly don't know how God is going to work. My work ethic seems to have improved 100%. Last year during college, it seems I got very lazy with work and I was honestly worried that would carry over to this summer but it hasn't and I thank God for that. There seem to be a lot of "I don't know's" about this summer and I'm very ok with that.
My spirit does hurt though. It's such a hard thing not to be able to speak into people's lives as I've been able to do at college where it seems the majority of people at college have God in common. Here, what are they living for? The weekend? Their paycheck? And at night, I see my generation, I see college students getting drunk off of cheap beer, and they tell me their majors: engineering, social work etc... and they say they want to make a difference. They are passionate, but so incredibly lost. And then I see the ones who do know God here, but still caught up in tradition simply for traditions sake. And not to say I have everything in line either, but I praise God he Has opened my eyes to His truth. It is only by His grace that I am sitting in this beautiful place, understanding His truth by His Spirit.

Post #1

2009-05-29T22:02:00.005-06:00

Hey everybody! The Wyoming counter comes to about one week. 1 week since I've been here with these mountains and the woods... and the elk, moose and whistle pigs. But anyway, i know this sounds a little crazy, but it took me a few days to actually get the whole "I Live by the mountains" thing. I was driving up here, watching the mountains get closer, listening to the ooh's and aaaahh's of everyone else and i was like, "Is this it? I was waiting to be impressed." I really have no idea what was wrong with me. Oh wait, yes I do. I was horrifically homesick because God was taking me away from my familiar place and my familar people to live with people i was relatively unconnected to in a place I was in no way connected to. It took about three days, a phone call from my parents, and a quiet time resulting in me giving up caring about familiarity and deciding i was just going to let Him do what He was planning on doing. Strangely enough, the DAY that i surrendered that, the mountains suddenly became three-dimensional. I don't know how to describe it, but before the mountains were like looking at a post-card or a can of Folgers or the paramount films thing. But suddenly I could see shadows and contours and the corners of the mountains in ways i never had before. And now I can't believe I live here! I even have my own favorite spot, right by the employee RV parking, strangely enough.
Now on to the subject of what God is doing. A lot of it hasnt completely taken a form that i can't identify yet, but then again transformation is often difficult to see by those being transformed. But i knew coming up here that God was doing a few things:
1.) Bringing me out of my self-introspective comfort zone
2.)Taking me into a new understanding of who He is, and who I am because of it
3.) Bringing me into an understanding of what it means to be a man, husband and leader.

I'm not going to lie, none of these look easy to me, #1 & 2 look painful and #3 looks downright terrifying, as being a husband was NEVER on my list of things i ever thought i'd be interested in. But one day, before i left, i woke up and was like "Hey, I want to be a husband. Like i REALLY want to be a husband. What is up with that?" God does that sort of thing to me a lot. So, everyone, keep praying for me. I do NOT want to get in His way, as that usually ends up poorly. I dont need clarity into what He's doing, just ruthless trust in Him. That He will transform me into the Image of His Son and also that He will keep my feet from falling off from all the kitchen work and walking. (by the way, i work in the employee kitchen). Of course, i dont think He renewed my feet that never worked for 20 years (!!!!:)!!!) just to rip them off of me through excercise. Well, I'm gonna go now. Talk to y'all when i can. :)

Zach

God's gift to me this summer!

2009-05-29T19:09:00.005-06:00

Amy

Glory

2009-05-28T13:19:00.004-06:00

Being in this place has been amazing so far. Waking up every morning and seeing God's glory on display for all the world. As you can see, there have been plenty of opportunities to capture that glory in photos. Connections are already starting to be made with co-workers, and The Spirit is moving in the hearts of some of the people and i can see a great work happening here this summer. please be praying for us and for the lost people we will be working with this summer.

Mark

One Week In

2009-05-27T22:04:00.000-06:00

Friends,

I’m tempted to lie to you right now and say that things are all awesome and great. In part, they are, but mostly, they aren’t, well, not in the sense that I'm real comfortable and everything is peachy. My job is good and the people I'm here with are wonderful. I wake up every morning, walk one hundred yards and from then on stare at mountains all day. The "not all awesome and great" is more because I’m overwhelmed even as I type this right now. Not with fatigue or exhaustion from work, but my spirit is absolutely in pain. I think I shared with you in my last letter that I asked very simply that our God would show me His heart. I don’t know why that particular prayer was so burdensome, as if I just had to ask Him that (I couldn't not, you know what I mean?), but I did, and I think He is beginning to do just that and I’m not allowed to close my eyes. It's broken. His heart is broken and I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt it like this before. I’ve met four different people in the last nine days that I have literally had to fight back tears because of the nature of the Spirit's openness in that moment. I’m not used to that and it’s really overwhelming. I know that God is showing me this pain in my generation for a reason, without doubt it is beneficial, but certainly I did not expect it. There have been moments of joy in this season of discovery as well, times where my tears have come from a simple moment of celebrating His glory. I can’t describe that for you at all, though I would like for you to know what I mean. I hope you do. The people I’m out here with are being worked on in a wonderful way. I hope you take the time to read the blog posts at www.bcwyominginterns.blogspot.com; they’re well worth it. You see what I mean now? I suppose it's a great place to be, but certainly it is not comfortable.

*Sigh* There are many out here that are absolutely lost… no questions asked. I am about to start my regular shift for security out here now: 8:30pm-6:00am for 46 paid hours a week. It’s not so much the graveyard shift as it is the busting drunks shift I guess. The local bars and employee bar all close at midnight and if there are any disturbances in GTLC property, it will be my job to “calm things down” as it were. The upside of this situation will be that I get to spend afternoons with my friends and people out here AND that I will be up and around for every sunset and sunrise for sure (that I can support). I plan to spend a lot of those early morning hours in prayer for those of you working during the day and ministering in your respective places. If you have anything going on that I can bring up on your behalf, please let me know somehow. God is good. Though His heart is broken for the wounded and struggling and dying and lost, His joy is even more incredible in light of His redeemed. Is He satisfied? I do not believe so, though I know that He is certainly pleased with His Bride. Continue to pray for discernment for my spirit out here, please. As well, pray for boldness in times of opportunity. I have never felt such an awareness of brokenness around me and yet felt so powerless to speak into it as now. Pray for the Holy Spirit’s clear guidance and direction. That is all I can truly desire right now. Thank you all for your sharing these things with me. I pray that you as well will continue to seek His heart more and more and more, even into the depth of brokenness. I pray you continually remember that He is watching you and truly longs for you to know Him more intimately. I pray that you would have the courage to want that as well, even in the midst of sacrificing comforts and conveniences. Indeed, there will be sacrifices. I hope the summer is coming in with great dreams and risky prayers for you too. Press on.

In Him,
Greg

Brokeness

2009-05-25T09:48:00.000-06:00

You know the feeling....

When God either takes something away from you, or he won't leave you alone til you stop focusing on it and focus on him. God has been doing that to me so far this trip, and its only the 4th day into it. Sure I have experienced pure majesty in the fact that I am surrounded by objects so big that it takes days to climb, but these same objects scripture tells us that God can make bow down before him. This is an amazing place for the view and for the people, but when it comes to everything that I hold dear in my life...it needs to go. I can't worry about anything out here. I can't have my mind focusing on relationships, my family, school, or my friends back home out here. 100% of my mind and concentration needs to be on Christ out here. No more can I focus on things that won't last in this life. God has my heart and my mind right now, and I'm ready for the brokenness this summer will continue to bring.

Break me Lord!!!

Jeffy

Gooood day

2009-05-23T14:20:00.000-06:00

So, I'm in Wyoming now. I just got done with my first shift at work. I'm a cashier at the local General Store. This place is so incredible. In the past 3 days, I've seen more elk than I can shake a stick at, a moose, lots of antelope, and two black bears. And the mountains are quite literally in my backyard. It's so amazing. The place I'm working at is so relaxed and down to earth. Contrary to my facebook status recently, I cannot in fact ride my longboard to work. It's against the law to ride a skateboard, longboard or rollerblades in the national park. Apparently, someone told me, but I didn't listen. Oh well...
God has been so amazing lately. I've met a lot of people, some definitely non-christian and some surprisingly christian. This is such a huge place where my generation resides. Living in the spirit is so so so hard. I just typed up a huge paragraph on a topic and at the end, I had an answer. Kind of funny how life works out like that.
Blessings: (this is where I count them)

Meeting several guys in my hall already and getting to know their stories
Finding a pair of black leather steel toed boots for $10.
Getting paid for orientation (10 hours at $7.56 an hour for sitting in a class room and taking a tour)
Having a good job that I've picked up quickly on
Seeing Drew struggle through things and allowing God to reveal truth to him
Thanks for listening!

Duuuddes God is so good

2009-05-22T22:34:00.000-06:00

When God chooses to reveal truth in our lives, there is such great joy! And especially when it is truth that disproves satan's lies in our lives...ahhhh how much joy there is in that! 1 John 3:1-10 talks about Christ coming into the world with the purpose to destroy satan's work and lately this is what that has looked like in my life.
Basically I want to hear God's voice so I seek to understand the nature of God....this is a very delicate matter that takes much discernment and so much patience.....this is been a struggle for me lately because in my attempt to understand God's nature I think about people of the Bible, like Job or David and the example they set in pursuing God's will and I want to attach a formula to it so that God can speak to me too. But really although we can discern a lot about the nature of God by examing how He interacted with other believers, we need to be very slow to think that we can immediately apply the same actions of Job and David and expect the same result of God.
Honestly I know that trying to plug a formula into God's plan and expecting to get a result is soo foolish! But at the same time its so hard for me (and I believer many others) because we don't want the patience required to follow the Holy Spirit's leading. What we want is the answer of how to know Him. If you humor me, we want a Discernment for Dummies book. We want to know a how to to hear the Spirit. But again, the truth of God is a blessing that is spoken in our lives when He chooses to reveal it to us. Amen to that. Don't get me wrong, practicing disciplines like fasting and prayer obviously are very beneficial to our faith, but we must avoid doing them with expectation. Our relationship with God is too unique for us to expect that He will work the same way twice, and He will not let us fall into a pattern that turns our relationship with Him into that of a vending machine. All we are to do is to make ourselves available to Him, and as open to His Spirit as possible.

The mountains make me feel small...

2009-05-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

I can't even begin to describe to you how incredibly beautiful this landscape is. The final leg of the journey to the resort was the best part. We grilled out, saw tons and tons of antelope, an elk or two, some buffalo (bison...same thing) and even a black bear by the side of the road. It's been wild.

We're here now. I am extremely tired from all of the travel. I lost count somewhere around 20 hours. It's 9:30 right now which transates to 11:30 Indiana time. Two hours can make a difference. I've included some pictures that Mark Goodwin took. They tell just a smal part of the story. God has truly and incredily blessed us already. We're meeting people, and we were all able to live in the same dorm house (the north dorm). We've gotten settled in and now it's time to begin our jobs (orientation is tomorrow).

Our address out here is P.O Box 606 Moran, Wyoming 83013. Just include our names and the mail will be sent to us. Just a heads up, I am very excited to write hand-written letters to anyone who wants one. Just get on my facbook and send me your address. Or, send me a letter first and you'll be sure to get a reply.

Thank you for your prayers. My prayer for this week is that our team begin to meld. I'm starting to see tensions buildin already and personalities clashing. If this summer is to work, we need to be a body, to work spiritually as one.

Hearing His Voice

2009-05-20T22:55:00.000-06:00

Discerning the Holy Spirit is hard for me, I so want to hear God's voice in my life on a regular basis and I struggle with distinguishing between His prodding and my inclination. Pray for strength and unrelenting persistence as I pursue this above all else.

This Year of "New"

2009-05-20T18:24:00.000-06:00

I'm open Lord...

When this year started, my mindset had been assured by my God that this is going to be a "New" year. New teachings, new mindsets, and new relationships were the first thing that God was hammering into my heart. I can feel it deep in my soul, and I can yearn for it every day. This trip so far has been an experience I never would have ever thought it would be. Pretty much...It is a new experience. We arrived in St. Louis last Thursday and training for this internship started last Saturday. A lot of amazing principles were given for me to wrestle and chew on, and I can honestly say that it is challenging me to look deep down inside me and become the true person that Christ has called me to be. Sunday night we had the opportunity to ask the Holy Spirit to baptize us...and I can honestly say that I asked for it, but something was blocking me. Something needs to happen before I truly see this new role that Christ has for me. I am hoping that you all can keep me in you're prayers this summer, because this will be challenging, and brokenness will haunt my heart every day and night out there. I am 20 something odd hours away from my family who I miss a lot, and new experiences can take it's toll on anyone. As I pursue the spirit and living in it this summer, I pray that you all do the same. Examine your lives and rid yourselves of anything that might hinder you from the spirit leading you completely.

On a side note...the trip out here has seemed to go by pretty quickly. We are in Rock Springs, Wyoming right now about 5 hours away from our destination at the lodge. Tomorrow we get acquainted with our jobs and housing for the next few months...so tomorrow will be a long day. Tomorrow starts another new part of my life...and it could be for you too.

God Bless,
Jeff

5:00a.m

2009-05-19T03:58:00.000-06:00

We woke up at 4:30...or right around there. I had to put on some loud music (Underoath) to stir Drew and Jeff. I enjoy it. We're being picked up in 25 minutes ( we were threatened, in love, to be ready on time.) I am so excited at this point. With everything God has been revealing to me through the Holy Spirit, I cannot help but ask, "How deep does this rabbit hole go?" And the exciting thing is this now sustains a burning fire, a buring desire within my heart that I wasn't aware existed. The depth to His love, His wisdom, His heart cannot be seen which excites me so much. Imagine always able to go deeper, but never actually able to hit the end? This is truly about the journey, in light of the destination (eternity) that I never need to worry about striving for.
If i were to ask for one thing, it would be that my heart would still be open. Over the past few days, God has revealed deep hurts and pains that have not been hard to see, but hard to look back on and release the guilt and shame and be able to forgive myself. I truly believe there are still deep rooted issues hindering me from going deeper with God, and those simply need to go. There is and will be no compromise for these things. Satan has sought to separate me from my God and this will NOT do. I thank you for your continued support through prayer.

Heartburn

2009-05-18T22:08:00.000-06:00

Friends,

*Exhale* It has been quite the few days past, let me tell you. You see below a couple of posts from other interns and their experiences. I couldn’t be more thrilled for them and love how God has been blessing their willingness and humility (two things I feel are lost among people of known spiritual authority and leadership). As it is though, God has poured Himself out on them and I look forward to seeing just how God is going to continue revealing His love and heart to them this summer! The others are having differing experiences as well, some have been challenged, others broken, others affirmed, etc. I myself am simply coming to a point of desperation. I was privileged to share much of my journey with this group last night, but I do even so feel His call to go deeper. I want to know my Lord’s heart. I feel that, though I know His thoughts sometimes and though our relationship is intimate and personal, I cannot recognize His heart when it is before me. This has truly brought me to my knees these past few days. Pray for this. I am heavy. I know His calling for me, but I feel His desire to show me something I have never known before and I am terrified. I am glad for this discontent, but am impatient with His revelations (I know you sympathize). I know He has placed this desire to see His heart in me, and with that I know He will not disappoint what He Himself wants to see happen. I want to see His heart… whatever it may be... and soon. Even so, I rejoice at being in His presence even now.

*Inhale* God is good. The training went very, very well and I was reminded of so much that the circumstances of the past five months had dulled in my life. I am excited to be going through everything in the midst of so many others who want to wrestle in prayer and conversation with me. The Lord has truly been living and active among us thus far. Tomorrow we depart for Kearney, Nebraska. It’s finally time. As of 72 hours from now we will be in Wyoming looking at our first day of employment. We’re leaving at 6:00am and will have a bit of a leisurely excursion out. Pray for our safety and sanity in travel. Many wonderful and challenging conversations can be had in nine ours of confined space and I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit will be seeking to build unity and intimacy in even such a way. That being said, I am even more certain that our enemy will be seeking to build division and isolation throughout as well. I am praying for patience and discernment in all things, keeping in mind the joy of this company and continuing to ask the Lord to reveal to me what He wills. I know that I get rather irritable when I do not understand things, my mind and heart are both at a place of loss right now in all honesty. I trust Him to reveal what He wants me to see in His timing, yet I must remain content with His gentle guidance in the moment as well. Many of you reading this know that is a huge challenge :D, but it will be good. Thank you for your prayers, friends. Keep them rising and alighting on the ear of our wonderful Lord. May He continue to look favorably upon us. May we continue to seek His face and long for His glory. I thank Him for you even now. Press on.
*Sigh*

In Him,
Greg

Affirmation

2009-05-17T23:42:00.000-06:00

Tonight, we learned about what it means to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, basically it's to encounter God in some way that prepares you for ministry. I asked God that He would show up and He did! There were things I needed to confess beforehand, but really the main thing was me giving up the control of my career. If you know me, you know that all I've wanted to do for the longest time is be a chiropractor, so I can make lots of money and do missions....but I feel God pointing me to some other ministry. I began praying for God's spirit to show up and for whatever reason I was crying and I felt a huge weight on me, I realized in my head I was thinking that I had been counting the cost, but in my heart I hadn't. I never really in my heart had given it to God and it was because I was believing a lie that God's plan was somehow not going to be good, by the end of my prayer, my crying turned to laughing because I realized how Great and Good God's plan is! I might have to give up my career, relationships with friends, family, or the pursuit of a wife but in the end, God's way will always be greater. I can't wait to see what God will do in Wyoming.

Baptized with Fire

2009-05-17T23:29:00.000-06:00

Isaiah 6

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. ³ And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

⁴ At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

⁵ "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

⁶ Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. ⁷ With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

⁸ Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Tonight was a night that has changed me in ways I have not yet fathomed. I was baptized with the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of the Lord came upon me and I experienced The Lords Joy.The Holy Spirit came and moved on the interns tonight. We experienced a time of public confession. Many of us laid our burdens at the feet of Jesus, removing those things that were keeping us from God. We then asked to be baptized with the Holy Spirit. Each have their own story which is not mine to share. I only know that I am standing here, knowing God has trusted me, only by His grace, to bless me with this gift so that I can further the ministry in which He has enstrusted to me and has yet to show me. I have given my life for this. I have given up the idea of a wife. My future wife has been a big deal in my life. I was worshipping the idea of marriage and I gave that to God. Thank you for all of your prayers. Thank you so much.

A Storm Outside and In

2009-05-15T20:26:00.000-06:00

Friends,

We arrived yesterday afternoon all safe and sound. The trip itself took a little longer than usual due to some lovely construction and traffic on I-80, but oh well. The wonderful thing about experience and time is that in light of one experience such as the joy of reunion or arrival or some other such natured thing, those things that at the moment felt torturesome and difficult suddenly lose their weight. Seven hours of driving felt incredibly long after two minutes of prayer, then incredibly short again after forty-five seconds of reunion. This summer is looking like it will be much harder than I have anticipated. I am not certain if my heart is ready for it or not, in fact, I am most certain that it is indeed not. I want to know the next step in this journey. For those coming out here with me, I feel a great hope and longing for their experiences to be holy and transforming, not unlike my desire for myself, but somehow it is more painful for them.

If you know me well, you know my heart is for this generation and everything therein. I am learning very quickly just how messy we (this people from 15-30 years old) really are. The mess is deep, very sticky, and very, very, VERY personal. Pray for me to see how the truth will come to see us free. If there is anything right now that I personally need prayer in, it is that. I have for the last five months become more aware of our pain and wounds than I ever thought I could, and in light of the scars and pain I have seen and felt, I long to know the nature of the healing I know the Lord has promised. Yes, truth. Yes, pure relationships and transparency. Yes, holy community and honest communication, but how? If it is not begun and finished by Him, I want nothing to do with it. The answer is simply Jesus, of course, but there is something incomplete in peoples understanding to simply accept His name as the answer to their life's hardship. They must encounter Him. I do not know what all the summer will entail for me, but I hope for direction and understanding. I hope to see a glimpse of that healing and restoration for someone. I will keep you posted as I can, but I long for your prayers. I ask for them specifically and humbly. Tonight is no different than other nights. My heart is heavy and I am in sight of someone’s pain. So please pray for us. Today Isaiah 53 was laid on my heart, and I know the Lord will provide understanding and purpose to His word soon enough. Pray for my heart to hear Him. Thank you.

Itinerarily speaking, tomorrow starts our three days of training. We will be working through some of the sessions from the Keystone Projects manual. We know the Lord will be with us and that He is truly the Good Teacher, so pray for our understanding. Information is useless without an experience to solidify it and validate it. Information is the currency of our minds, but information is the currency of our hearts- so pray for experience over these next three days for us. Pray that our baggage be laid down in sight of His outstretched arms and pray that the light would overcome the darkness. Truth is powerful in itself and needs no credibility, but our hearts must be open and humble if there is to be any transformational fruit. We will be going into St. Louis City Sunday afternoon to work and serve among the community. Let His will be done in all things. I am thankful for your prayers and look forward to sharing with you the fruit of your intercession. Pray to His glory. Press on.

In Him,
Greg

The Wood Between Worlds...as it is...

2009-05-15T13:31:00.000-06:00

So, we're now in Missouri. After taking a train several hours through several states, Drew, Jeff and I made it successfully to Missouri. Greg, Alicia and Ray drove ( sadly it took them 7 hours driving). Us three guys made it to our host family( a.k.a Eric Wilson)'s apartment. First we ate (White Castle, Drew's first experience...he thinks they're "legit") and then, upon the discovery of a pool, we swam. It was much needed after such a long day of travel. We all realized we were operating on less than 3 hours of sleep each, so around 10pm, we put a movie on and crashed. Then we woke up and helped Twan and Mark move out of their apartments. And now Greg is at the Goodwins and everyone else is swimming and I'm in the apartment. Tomorrow begins the training, though none of us ( with the exception of Greg and the people training us) know what to expect...and that's just how we like it. Tuesday morning at 6a.m we embark to Wyoming, the land flowing with elk and mountains. Eric had a conversation with his disciple last night that was pretty intense and I think Jeff and Drew got a hint of what's to come. This isn't all daisies and roses. There is work to be done. Pray that our hearts be open to what God has for us. Pray for new eyes and new ears and new perspectives for us to see and hear and feel what needs to be done in each of our own lives in preparation for living in Wyoming this summer. Pray our focus be on this summer.

Day 1

2009-05-14T20:22:00.000-06:00

Today we finally left to begin....whatever it is God has planned for us. Travel took a little while and two separate sets of kids got on our train for field trips (such loud children) but we didn't miss any trains so can't complain. I'm so glad we've finally left, the planning for getting down to St. Louis and to our host family's house was pretty in depth but we're here at last. We've met a lot of challenges throughout the planning of the trip but I want to hope that it's because God has something really awesome planned for the 13 of us. Training begins Saturday so today and tomorrow are going to be a chance to catch up on some rest (which we really need cuz most of us are running on 3-6 hours of rest haha). Today I experienced white castle for the first time and it's pretty legit, and so unhealthy, yum sliders.

One week to go my friends

2009-05-06T22:59:00.000-06:00

Well, we have one week left. I'm currently in Middlebury with my friends Christian and Becky. They let me live with them whenever I have a break and it's been such a relaxing time. Tonight was the last night for youth group for me. Kind of hard to know I won't see many of those kids for a while. My gosh, there really is only a week left. I'm not too concerned with the training in Missouri. I know most of the people out there so I'm excited to see old friends. It's just that my work ethic of late has not been the best, so a full-time job is looming ahead. It'll be good and in my head, I'm already spending the money.
Prayer Requests: That we find someone willing to drive to St. Louis. So far we have one car and 6 people needing to go. That will not work. That my mind will settle. I simply cannot have expectations about this summer. And that I can figure out what to pack. My longboards are definitely going and ten days worth of clothing. Outside of those and my laptop, I don't know what else is coming, if anything. Oh and pray for the people we'll be meeting in Wyoming, whoever they are. Their hearts need to be open and responsive to what the Holy Spirit has to do in their lives.

One Weak

2009-05-06T16:36:00.000-06:00

So... we're one week away from leaving. We'll be taking off between 10-11am next Thursday, and as of now we are down one ride out there. I know God will provide, but honestly this is much messier than I was personally expecting it to be. At any rate, the summer is upon us and God has proven Himself the definition of faithful over and over again for us. I know that several of the interns have been raising prayer support, and that has been my task this week as well. I thank God for the warriors in my life who are willing to intercede on behalf of my often weary heart. They are more than a blessing. To those reading, you are more than a blessing. I am grateful for your prayers, and I looking forward to seeing our God declare His glory in all of our weaknesses. May we press on in His word and power.

-Greg